Dabangg – the rational version

YOUNG SALMAN KHAN:

My dad is my step-dad. My brother is my step-brother. This makes me angry. Someone’s gotta pay. But for some mysterious reason, I’m going to wait for 21 more years till I start fucking with them.

Now let me cut some hay with a wad of paper stuck between it, till that happens.

***

21 YEARS PASS.

SALMAN KHAN:

FEAR Chulbul Pandey. Even though my name sounds like a rip-off from some 1980s supporting character in Diamond Comics, I’m the most dangerous man/thing in Laalgunj, UP, that also wears aviators.

I am a police officer. I let robbers rob a bank. But that’s only so I can rob the robbers. I’m totally Dabangg.

 MURARI LAL:

Ha! We’re armed robbers, we have assault rifles and sniper rifles and you’re outnumbered like, 7 to 1. You don’t stand a chance.

 SALMAN KHAN:

Fuck you, Murari. All I need to beat ANYONE to pulp is a fire hose, a tin of crude oil and a cell-phone with Mera Hi Jalwa ring tone.

SALMAN BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF ALL THE ROBBERS

MURARI LAL:

Dude! This is like some Madrasi Cinema shit.

S. VIJAYAN (ACTION DIRECTOR):

Who the fuck said Madrasi!!??

 SALMAN KHAN:

Now that I have robbed the robbers, let me shoot a couple of late-coming policemen, just to show how totally cool I am.

***

SONU SOOD:

I am a tough youth and political leader/bad guy/villain. My character is a living, breathing cliché. Let me do something totally banal, like threaten Salman.

 *** 

OM PURI:

I am a veteran actor in Bollywood, but I somehow believe that my career is dying underneath the pile of dog-poo beside your dustbin. Therefore, I’ve decided to play a completely pointless role, which others were too ashamed to do.

 ***

ARBAAZ KHAN:

Hahahahaha! Because I’m the producer, I get to do a totally relevant role. It doesn’t matter that I’m a total dumbfuck.

*** 

SONAKSHI SINHA:

Salman, I can’t figure out any sane reason behind me acting in this movie. My acting career has died in its first living breath.

SALMAN KHAN:

Sonakshi, since you have been stupid enough to accept this role, I command you to marry me. This, babe, is love at first sight. I can do a couple of action scenes with you to make you have the hots for me. Although to be honest, any other girl would be disgusted at the sight of such sick violence.

SONAKSHI SINHA:

I can’t marry you Chulbul. My dad’s a drunk, and instead of getting the fuck away from a disgusting person like him, I have vowed to be his nurse for, like, ever.

MAHESH MANJREKAR:

<drunk mumbling> SUICIDE!!!

 SONAKSHI SINHA:

Alright, let’s get married.

 FLICKERING HEARTS APPEAR ON SALMAN’S AVIATORS. MEANWHILE…

ARBAAZ STEALS A BUNCH OF MONEY THAT SALMAN HAD ACTUALLY STOLEN FROM THE ROBBERS. HE HAS TO GIVE THE MONEY TO HIS GIRLFRIEND’S DAD, WHO WILL GIVE IT TO ARBAAZ’S DAD FROM WHOM ARBAAZ PLANS TO STEAL IT AGAIN TO PUT IT RIGHT BACK WHERE IT WAS. 

DIMPLE KAPADIA CANNOT TAKE THE COMPLEXITY OF THE PLOT ANYMORE, SO SONU SOOD ARRIVES AND KILLS HER JUST FOR THE FUN OF IT. 

FOR ABSOLUTELY NO APPARENT REASON, VINOD KHANNA CHUCKS SALMAN OUTTA HIS HOME AND ZINDAGI

SALMAN IS PISSED SO HE FINDS A SHIT EXCUSE TO WHACK ARBAAZ AND TAKE OVER HIS WEDDING. THIS PISSES ARBAAZ OFF TOO, BUT HE CAN’T DO ANYTHING BECAUSE SALMAN IS DABANGG

*** 

ANUPAM KHER:

Mallaika Arora Khan is doing an item number at Sonu Sood’s theka. Since you have to be there somehow, I have decided to double-cross Sonu. Arrest him somehow.

SALMAN KHAN:

Sure, I’ll just poison some innocent villagers, give them money, and blame Sonu for it. The whole population will have no problem believing all that because, come on, they spent money to watch THIS movie in theaters…

 ANUPAM KHER:

Since I am the only seemingly intelligent person in this entire movie, let me ask you this: Why do you hang your aviators at the back of your shirt collar?

SALMAN KHAN:

Lolz! I do stupid shit like that in every movie. And sometimes in real life too.

***

 MALLAIKA ARORA KHAN:

Munni badnam hui, darling tere liye!

DUMB PEOPLE TRY TO JERK OFF IN THE AUDITORIUM, WHILE MARKETING MANAGERS LINE UP FOR THEIR QUOTA OF SUBTLE ID-TIME BRANDING

 SUDDENLY, SALMAN TURNS UP, DANCES WITH MALLAIKA AND INSULTS THE SHIT OUT OF SONU.

SALMAN KHAN:

I have an arrest warrant in your name. If you don’t give me a hafta, I’m going to riddle you with so many holes, you will be more confused than you already are.

 SONU SOOD:

You have insulted me in public. I’ll take revenge.

SALMAN KHAN:

Bollocks. I am totally Dabangg.

***

SONAKSHI SINHA:

Sonu, I know you are totally going to take revenge on Salman. Will you please kidnap me to serve your purpose?

 SONU SOOD:

Hell, no! I’m not that smart. Instead, I’ll make Arbaaz fool around a bit after setting fire to his factory. I already know that will give his dad a heart attack.

SONAKSHI SINHA:

WHY THE FUCK AM I IN THIS MOVIE?

 ***

SONU SOOD:

Hey, Arbaaz, I know you are totally screwed up right now. I can help you if you hit some random-ass people and do some OTHER stuff.

ARBAAZ KHAN:

Sure.

A LOT OF PEOPLE, INCLUDING ANUPAM KHER DIE BECAUSE ARBAAZ KHAN CANNOT DIFFERENTIATE BETWEEN A CRATE FULL OF MANGOES AND A FUCKING BOMB.

SONU SOOD:

Good. Now that you have single handedly murdered around 50 innocent people, would you also like to kill your brother Salman?

ARBAAZ KHAN:

Considering that my brother has always called me a dumbfuck, taken over my wedding beaten me black and blue according to his wish, probably set fire to my factory which gave my dad a heart attack, and also considering the fact that I’ve come to your place after murdering 50 innocent people instead of crying my tear glands out and committing suicide out of guilt, it should be pretty easy for me. But no. Now is the time I’ll secretly undergo a transformation.

 ARBAAZ GOES TO SALMAN AND TELLS HIM EVERYTHING. THEN, LIKE THE MORON HE IS, HE RETURNS TO SONU SOOD, TO GET ANOTHER SOUND BEATING.

SENSIBLE AUDIENCE MEMBER:

How the fuck does he heal so quick?

 SALMAN KHAN GOES TO THE HOSPITAL, SAYS SORRY, HUGS HIS DAD, AND VOWS TO CALL HIM DAD FROM NOW ON. THEN, WITHOUT WONDERING WHETHER THE TEARS VINOD KHANNA IS CRYING ARE OUT OF HAPPINESS OR FRUSTRATION, HE LEAVES.

 MEANWHILE, SONU SOOD’S YOUTH PARTY HEADQUARTERS HAVE SUDDENLY TRANSFORMED INTO A GUERILLA TERRORIST UNIT. 

SALMAN KHAN ASSEMBLES A FLEET OF COPS TOO LARGE FOR SIX DISTRICTS COMBINED TO ATTACK THEM. HOWEVER HE KILLS ALMOST ALL OF THEM SINGLE-HANDEDLY WHILE ALSO PROTECTING ARBAAZ. 

FINALLY, THERE ARE ONLY SONU, ARBAAZ AND SALMAN LEFT.

 ARBAAZ KHAN:

I guess it’s time to tell you that this dick killed our mom.

 SALMAN’S DABANGG RAGE REACHES THE ULTIMATE LIMIT. HIS MUSCLES TENSE SO MUCH, HIS FUCKING SHIRT TEARS APART. SOMEHOW, THOUGH, NOTHING HAPPENS TO HIS PANTS AND UNDIES. 

CHUCK NORRIS DIGS A HOLE IN THE GROUND AND HIDES. GOGETA REALIZES IT’S TIME TO EVOLVE AGAIN. 

SONU SOOD:

Oh! Damn!

 SALMAN AND ARBAAZ KILL SONU BY ASPHYXIATING HIM WITH A TRACTOR’S EXHAUST.

***

 FINALLY, ARBAAZ IS GETTING MARRIED TO HIS GIRLFRIEND.

RANDOM POLICEMAN:

Sir, there might be a brother of Sonu Sood’s…

 AUDIENCE:

Jesus Christ on a pony! A sequel!

***NOTE***

I wrote this in 2010, secondarily as an attempt to emulate a site called the the-editing-room.com, and primarily to counter the ‘Salmanger’ – a condition of extreme rage felt by everyone with a three digit IQ who is forced to come in visual contact with a Salman Khan movie. I gave up on such ventures, when I came across sites like The Vigil Idiot which was doing much better work than me. Re-posting here because my blog would be totally incomplete about it. Pardon the staleness, but in my frank opinion, Salman Khan has mastered the skill of being hilarious and gutter trash at the same time, and such masterful stuff, cannot ever go out of fashion for humor.

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