In the wise and eternally reliable words of Vanessa Hudgens, “The internet is the worst invention, ever”. Indeed, while some people might look down upon Vanessa (an altogether pleasant experience) for criticizing the greatest communication tool in human history, one comes across evidence that supports her statement daily. Internet might just be the worst best thing that humanity did to itself. In fact, the last time we invented something so terribly degenerative with the actual purpose of helping society, it was around 9500 B.C., and someone had just invented beer. Researchers have been conducting multiple studies to prove that Internet usage is causing the average human stupidity to spike, but I personally find them unnecessary in the light of all the evidence presented by YouTube comments.
For a person like me, whose achievements are measured in degrees of procrastination, the internet is a window into the world of infinite junk knowledge – random fact generators and Wikipedia articles that give you a better real-world chance at influencing a random audience than a PhD in Nuclear Physics (because honestly, how many non-random audiences of Physicists is an average guy going to handle in a lifetime, anyhow). Unfortunately, for most people the internet is more frequently a source of porn than information, or worse, a chance at not having to bother about grammar, or the worst of them all, pure-play social networking (shivers).
Regardless of the way you use it, the truth is that if you use the internet enough, it throws something miraculous back at you like a good shopping loyalty card – random quirks, unbelievable people, websites and things that amaze you and make you want for more. Something like the following:
#4 Wikipedia – All links lead to philosophy
This one is about as amazing as the Alt+Tab trick in Windows, though nowhere close to that level of usefulness. And it requires some patience. Do the following exercise: Log on to ANY random article on Wikipedia. I haven’t yet heard of a Wikipedia article that has no links, but avoid those if there are any. Now, click on the first link in that article. A word of caution, the pronunciation guide, coordinates, and the disambiguation guides don’t count as links. (Click image below )
Green is Right!
Good, so you reached another page? Now repeat the above step. Again. And again.
So here’s the thing. Unless you wind up with a (mostly non-existent) link-less article, all these clicks will take you with a one-hundred percent chance, to the same page – Philosophy.
No matter what article you start with, and no matter what words you click on in the next article, you will without a doubt, end up on the same page eventually – Philosophy. Go ahead, and try it. To my knowledge it still totally works. There is a lot of matter floating on the web about this, and if you were interested in the nerdy aspects of this joyful feature, you could go ahead and mess with the cosmic balance in trying to find out why this happens. Make sure you let me know when you do, though.
#3 Alex Chiu/Gene Ray
It is wrong to believe that the stupidest moments of mankind can be found on social networking. There are things that can make the combined stupidity score of Rebecca Black and the most retarded 4chan post about kittens and make-up look mediocre. While I don’t have exhaustive information on such things, I am sure that they include the sub-titular two.
Alex Chiu looks like your average ‘Asian’ douchebag from every Hollywood movie ever, except that he is actually a douchebag. His website opens with a modest comparison of Alex Chiu to the renowned inventors of the world, such as Thomas Edison, Tesla and Einstein. It goes on to sell you something Chiu calls The Immortality Device and another thing called the GORGEOUSPIL, and then another thing called the ‘Super chi flush’. These devices are NOT jokes. Their working is explained with the generous aid of MS Paint, and one can purchase them online. If you buy enough, Alex Chiu suggests you can also start your own Immortality Device website in less than three minutes. In fact, to aid your perception and confidence in making the purchase, the site also provides you with links to Alex Chiu’s Philosophy, Alex Chiu’s NEW DARWINISM, and quite climactically, to the answer of the question that has troubled Mankind the most – WHAT IS GOD?
Battling Alex Chiu for intellectual supremacy is Dr Gene Ray, who has managed to discover that the answer to the question of Life, the Universe and Everything is definitely not 42. It is, in fact the ‘Time Cube theory’. Gene Ray has also figured out the question, which Douglas Adams never revealed. The question is, “Why the hell don’t you believe everything Gene Ray tells you?” Because references to the Hitchhikers’ Guide aside, the central premise of the Time Cube theory is to hate anyone who challenges the Time Cube theory (which at the time of drafting, must have been every living organism on the planet except Gene Ray). This website is literary absurdity like no other. It might work really well when people are high however, given the piece’s trippy lack of grammar and remarkable ability to not give a turd about the human brain.
One might think these are prank websites, but that is mostly not the case. The time cube website, which is all text, is the MS Word equivalent of more than a 100 pages. You don’t make such stuff up for a prank. That is more hard-work than all the pranks Jim Halpert ever played on Dwight Schrute.
#2 Google’s Acronym limitation
Most All of the time, we are happy with Google. It gives you what you want, and sometimes when it doesn’t, you just take it on faith that even the internet, the massive behemoth that generates Exabytes of information every day, doesn’t have the answer. That’s understandable. Most lazy people like me equate the failure of a Google search to a systemic failure – a license to say, ‘Hey, you can’t say I didn’t try’. But what if Google fails you on a simple one word search? A simple, three letter word?
Well, brace yourself, ladies and gentlemen, for the search results one gets if one decides to know what the internet has to say about a mom:
Unbelievable, right? And I just wish I had the Photoshop skills to fake this. It is a 100 percent real. And if you thought this was all, Google doesn’t really spare any other family members (or their modern shortenings either). Here. Have a look (click in individual images to enlarge):
This is because Google identifies all these words as their most popular acronym versions. Yes. Google actually assumed that people wouldn’t really use Google for discovering the word mom. Understandable. Also, from what I hear, this is probably not the case with all of us. Since Google throws up results relevant to the user, it is entirely possible that a small kid doesn’t see Singapore’s labour minister on searching for ‘mom’. Interestingly, what it also means is that there are some people out there, for whom words like DOG, and yes, you said it, CAT (ring a bell managers-to-be?) send weird results. This might be used as a philosophical tool as well, so, for example, if you were to search ‘SEX’ and end up with something not NSFW, then you must really rethink your existence.
#1 Buy someone to stand in line for you
There is e-commerce and then there is this.
Some people in America took Philip Kotler a tad too literally when they decided to come up with the outstanding idea of turning the most annoying, physically unproductive task into a business. In the greater Washington area, lives of men are no longer bogged down by the fact that they have to wait in line, especially for Congressional hearings. Because they pay to bog others’ lives down for their shit. Ladies, and gentlemen, now you can buy someone to stand in line for you. Via ‘secure’ online reservations. Aldous Huxley’s spirit was never happier.
This idea has far-fetched implications in India. Given our populations, we often cannot go pee-pee without having to stand in a line, and all the time we wait for getting the Aadhar card, or for the passport official to reject our perfectly alright documents for the nineteenth time can be spent doing way more productive things. Like condoning rape for the trillionth time on social media, or if we aren’t eloquent enough for that, then just flooding it with hashtags. Meanwhile, some people suggested that the biggest use for this would be to ease the unbelievable waiting in Tirupati. I don’t think that’s true. If these people could afford to pay five-hundred bucks or so to make someone stand in line, they would just skip the sarvadarshanam line and pay for one of those VVVIP tickets, which puts you in right in the Gods’ lap, immediately. After all, God loves these squeaky rich people more than the ugly poor ones.
I hate to brag, but the title for this piece could have easily begun with a ‘15’, and already there will be people criticizing my choice of crazy things. The idea was to encourage exactly that (and also to keep this short enough to read). But if you do have some crazy piece of internet information like this, the comments section welcomes you.